Sorry to Disappoint You.

You’re always going to be a disappoint to someone. Well maybe not that extreme, but you may do something that displeases them or causes disappointment in the moment.

And honestly that is okay. I can wholeheartedly admit so much of my decision-making is based off what will make someone else happy. By someone else I mean my mother and God. Or should I say the example of God I have been given by my mother. Now that I have grown up, not at home (with no plans of ever going back), and being in my space, I can honestly say that fear has kept me quiet. All my thoughts and beliefs just staying inside me. That is the shame.

So with that, yeah I know that being myself with my own beliefs and thoughts will definitely not always leave me as agreeable and that is okay.

So let’s run down the list - I love rap/hip-hop, really music in general (I grew up in a house where I literally had to sneak it. I remember my brother being berated when my mom found his Three 6 Mafia album). I like to go out and have a good time. A glass of wine does not hurt anybody. I cuss…a lot (working with kids has definitely allowed me to decrease a lot so shout out to them). I do not think premarital sex is going to put you in hell. Honestly, didn’t think marriage was for me and was content to just “shack up.” I do not feel too strongly about LGBTQ+ community. I honestly feel like EVERYONE deserves acknowledgement, respect and access to the appropriate healthcare. Those that do feel very strongly just make me think, “Why are you so concerned with someone else’s bedroom? Do you want to join? Just say that.” It also makes me think you have never talked to anyone that lies in the spectrum because they are just people - move with kindness and respect. Step in when you see someone being treated unfairly. Simple enough. The conversation of “gay son or thot daughter” is just utterly stupid because most of y’all should not be having kids anyway - especially if you ask this. Maybe focus on what if they are born with a disability - how are you going to work through that? Or if you and your partner “agree to disagree” on moral issues and you still have a child with them?

That is just the tip of the iceberg of my brain dump. And you know what? I KNOW this is going to displease/annoy someone else and you know what? Who cares? I am my own person. I am allowed to be complex and have feelings on different topics.

I think that is the beauty of allowing yourself to grow and change. Yes, it may let someone else down, but if they really care, they will adjust and if not, you know how to keep moving.

Maybe I really just wanted to pour out this piece of myself that I really keep to myself and just vent. But I think that is the conversation - what is disappointment? And I am talking about the moral items, not you know things that cause harm to other clearly. Why does it appear when you stand up for what you believe (well in my case)?

Even when I started this blog, I wanted to be honest. However, I found myself writing things (at least my last post) that were palatable. That made the reader feel good, but did not really give any insight to me. Let’s be real - ya’ll are here to read what I write.

I can say I am a little disappointed that I am almost 29 and just now saying all of this. I wish I would’ve used my voice much sooner. It’s hard to be present when you are always having to put a filter on yourself or have an internal conversation. If there is anything you can glean from this, be confident in who you are and trust those that really love you want to hear what you have to say.

Take a deep breath and know that someone somewhere may be fuming, hating, annoyed, or whatever, but YOU are happy and that is what matters.

Happiness Looks Good on You

This past weekend someone told me I seemed happier and lighter.

And they’re not wrong.

I wanted to write about this for the longest but I was not sure how to broach the topic. Yes, we all have mess and the way the world is going it just seems heavier, but here lately I’ve just decided to breathe.

It is easy to focus on the weight on your soul and honestly, I needed to for a bit. I needed to put it out there. Rather it be on here, in my journal, or on my weekly walks with friends. I felt like I was repeating myself. I appreciated them listening and letting me rant about the same topics while offering gentle advice. But I needed to dump it all out. Then I had to cry.

I felt like I had been holding all this pressure in and so much negativity that I could not let go of it. Ironically, it happened at the end of my annual review when my sister reminded me that what I do matters, and no matter what I always have value. It was what I needed to hear. I had been going through the motions, not even realizing it. In that moment, it really hit me I was on the other side and I could exhale.

I have found that happiness and joy are needed during those moments of hardship. I am never above telling someone to treat themselves, even if it’s small. You have to create those opportunities for you to smile throughout the day. This could be as simple as going to brunch, going to the movies, or doing your makeup to take on your day.

I can say I am smiling more. I am engaged in conversations. I actually feel present. My conversation with friends have changed. Now it’s actually about future plans and random funny things happening in life. After feeling like I was drowning, I came up for air.

I look back through all that I have been through the last 18 months. I can truly say it was a necessary evil. Which is crazy. I actually communicate my feelings, even the tough ones. My smile seems genuine and my laugh comes from my soul. They always say it will get better, but you just never know when you arrived at the moment.

It serves as a reminder, we all have mess. We all have messy chapters. I will say process during those times. Assess your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. One day, you will look up and see that things have gotten better.

Now don’t get it twisted, I still have doubts. I still think about my goals (or sometimes my lack of them). I think about if I have failed, or the weight of the world and being a good citizen. Then I remember, even Malcolm X had to laugh and living is resistance in itself.

So Many Feelings, With Nowhere to Go

It took me multiple (failed) attempts to complete this post.

Probably because I am still in the thick of it — and I am learning that is okay. I have been taught to consistently put your best foot forward, always look put together. That’s not how I feel though, and I am trying to take a more honest approach to life. So bare with me as I try to make sense of all of this.

I guess the best way I can put it is I am simply feeling overwhelmed. I think that is the overarching emotion with uncertainty, fear, and embarrassment falling under it. I find myself wanting to change this because I typically am not a negative person and I do not like being in this headspace.

My negative self-talk sounds like a single thought rattling in my mind. I’m not good enough I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. My work ethic is crap. I am lazy and so on. This is why I don’t always respond to praise and compliments because I do not believe them. However, I give compliments because I do not want anyone else to believe those thoughts in their own mind. Crazy huh? I know. And every so often there is a good day sprinkled in where I give myself so much hype and love. I think it is because that negative sentence is right around the corner.

I have also been told to believe what God says about me. However, it is hard for me to fully grasp that when I see so many unhappy women in my faith and to me that is the same as sending “thoughts and prayers.” Doesn’t actually help, ya know?

Also, with a very religiously zealous parent that adds a factor to being overwhelmed. I heard about the end times my whole life and now I am hearing it at an even more accelerated rate. Couple that will being told all the things you’re doing wrong, it does not really give me much hope.

I also tried to put myself out there with a man and that did not work. Rejections sucks. Simple as that. It compounds when you know you used to be perceived as the “ideal type.” I am older and not a size six anymore. Oh and I have only had situationships for the last five years, so it can start to seem like you are not good enough.

BUT what if I am good enough?

I have been making small changes to combat these emotions. Well maybe not combat them (I think suppressing them and locking them away to appear “okay” is how we got here. Lots of feelings with no place to go). I am allowing myself to feel them, but striving to move forward. I started a book about changing that internal dialogue (I can give you the title if you want). To start saying to myself, “I am willing” in whatever the task I have in front of me. Of course you want to answer yes to “Are you willing to be happy?”

I am being more thoughtful with my journaling by putting three things I am thankful for each week. I am praying more and reading 10 minutes before I sleep. Going to the gym has helped. I have been able to really challenge myself and I am seeing the benefits.  Lowkey, it’s a soft challenge. Actually, I am doing all of this while still feeling overwhelmed.

The feeling is decreasing. Still there. Still scared, a little fearful, but not hindering me any longer.

I think that is what matters. We can have these hard and unpleasant emotions, but we work through them.

It’s easier said than done and taking active steps can be very hard. But wallowing gets you no where. What’s worse than being sad, mad, scared, etc.?

Stuck.

And I refused to be a stuck person.

( I didn’t really know how to end this, but that’s it. Just remember even if it is not okay right now, it will be.)

I’m Leaving Here With Something.

Looking back, I have not had many relationships - that’s okay. But you know what’s not okay?

The amount of situationships I have endured. Yes, I stayed too long or held out hope, but I wasn’t in them by myself ya know? So this one goes out to all the goofies…on both sides.

When it comes to paying compliments, I can tell you NO adult woman wants to be called cute. If I get called cute one more time, I am going to just scream in that man’s face. I am a gorgeous, beautiful, stunning woman. I light up a room with my smile, so simply do better. 

Having good chat is super important (Love Island reference, iykyk). However, joking should not be your only mode. I, and I think most women but who am I to say, want someone that we can hold a full conversation with that includes where the relationship is actually going. Situationships should not be around at this point. No one wants to be the placeholder or builder for the next person. Again, do better.

Now this brings me to this point - situationships end. When they end, just make sure you’re walking away with something. I do not mean a new bag or clothes, but something that takes you up a notch. It can add to your life moving forward. It gives you a little smile ya know? Just because that person was not it, does mean everything they did was terrible. I’ll go through some of my trying (and entertaining) tings, and what I walked away with. (You can’t keep a bad chick down, okay!)

1. Kennedy Newman giant - learned a lot about love and even more about heartache. BUT I walked away with a deeper appreciation for art. He took me to the Chicago Art Institute so that was lit. 

2. Benchwarmer - I walked away learning just because someone puts in all that effort does not in fact mean they will not hurt you and run at the first sign. I also really got into my Drake era. If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late really propelled me into my villain story.

3. The boyfriend - I walked away learner to trust my gut. I also found a lot of good RnB artists that I listen to faithfully.

4. The “entrepreneur” - What a ride. I knew, I mean I knew, a walking red flag but baby I was prepared to have fun. This one almost broke me. The friends that held me down during this time, I just want to say thank you! I learned to work through difficult situations. I had to learn to be his friend (and even that is at arm's length). I learned that I like to be challenged, and that I need to step out of my comfort zone. I also learned about Big K.R.I.T. and that’s always a crowd-pleaser. 

5. The trainer - Did I really learn to trust my gut? This time I did. I also learned to not dim your light. I walked away with setting boundaries and actually sticking to them. Oh and Love Island. Thank you for making me watch that show.

Maybe another time I will circle back on the actual being with these people because now I can laugh a lot at those stories.  These situationships are never worth it so let me be your internal dialogue and tell you to not be a goofy, they don’t want you. But for now, no matter how down bad you may be, you should always remember to leave with something. Let yourself grow and change to find the partner that best fits you.

Leave that _____ today!

I am going to say this in the most diplomatic way — leave the things that no longer serve you.

I am going to say this in the most diplomatic way — leave the things that no longer serve you. It is always easier said than done though. Trust me. This is coming from someone that loves to think “it just has to get better,” and “it will change if I work though it.” I have let myself get dragged through the trenches over and over by giving something or someone a second chance. Here are some of my internal checkpoints that let me know it is time to scadaddle:

1. Does it bring me happiness?

2. Is there an opportunity to grow?

3. Do I walk away feeling better or worse?

4. What does my next chapter look like and can I take this with me?

These questions have really let me navigate hard decisions and evaluate what is important - my peace. I enjoy a challenge but do not think life should be challenging.

It is easy to go through a cycle of highs and lows caused by a relationship (of any type) and think it is normal. This can affect your mental and physical in ways you cannot even imagine. I used to be down bad (most of ya’ll were there to witness), but I grew and adjusted.

All these losses and lessons forced me to do some internal work. It has allowed me to create the questions above that let me quickly check in, not be blindsided, and recognize I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster.

Now answering these questions can result in difficult actions. No one wants to let go of a childhood friend or that person you invested so much time and love into, but it has to get done. It’s unfortunate but true. Keeping them around could lead to your peace changing into chaos.

It can be hard to let go, but trust me it is very much worth it. I can always tell that the hard decision is the right decision when I instantly feel lighter. Call it the Holy Ghost or intuition, but my spirit instantly settles. Your body and spirit should be able to let you know it is time to make a change.

Set some time aside and check-in. Look at the relationships in your life (this means how you show up in them too) and start asking yourself questions. Create your own internal checkpoints to signal when you are going in the right direction and when you need to let something go.

That’s really it. We all need peace.

Entering Your Late Twenties.

Honestly someone lied, your twenties are just plain hard...

I know. I know. Turning 21 is great (but also is it really?) and graduating feels like a huge accomplishment but after 26, it starts to feel very serious. What makes it even funnier, ask someone 30 and up, and they will laugh and say you’re stressing about absolutely nothing and you have so much time left to chase your dreams.

Yet everyone knows time is fleeting. So in 2024, your twenties feel like a time to “grind.” You must constantly be working towards something. However, that something is constantly changing and once you achieve it, you just go after the next something. Never really content or intent to enjoy the moment.

You should be planning the foundation for the rest of your life. I used to ascribe to this, but then I quickly learned foundations crack. What happens if the life you planned turns out to be absolutely ridiculous? What about when you have to restart in your late twenties when everyone else seems to keep going?

Well, quite frankly, I do not know. I am experiencing both of these conundrums and have not found the answer. That’s what got me back here writing to be fair. Everyone, my whole life, has talked about how special and how much potential I had, but I think I may have oversold myself and underperformed. That’s hard to admit but that is how I feel. I feel like Issa driving Uber and living with Daniel after quitting her job. Figuring it out is not easy, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

I did not quit my job. I was fired and let me tell you, that hurts 10 times worse. I work for my sister and enjoy it but having a nagging thought it is a cop out and not deserved. My credit is shot but working to get it right back to where it was (739 🥲). I have a degree that I do not use just like most of my peers. I try to be a good Christian, but also have a healthy amount of questions. I am also trying to figure out what is my passion and how can I somehow turn it into a job. Just call me Issa Dee!

Actually, I am hoping that getting back to this passion project, this here blog thing, that I started and stopped multiple times (out of fear but we’ll address that later) will lead me to navigating this unplanned phase of life better. In doing so, maybe help someone else, or the very least give an honest experience that this is not easy.

We are both in for a treat. As much as I think this is going to be painful and hard, I have a feeling that it will actually all turn out okay...it may even turn out great.