So Many Feelings, With Nowhere to Go

It took me multiple (failed) attempts to complete this post.

Probably because I am still in the thick of it — and I am learning that is okay. I have been taught to consistently put your best foot forward, always look put together. That’s not how I feel though, and I am trying to take a more honest approach to life. So bare with me as I try to make sense of all of this.

I guess the best way I can put it is I am simply feeling overwhelmed. I think that is the overarching emotion with uncertainty, fear, and embarrassment falling under it. I find myself wanting to change this because I typically am not a negative person and I do not like being in this headspace.

My negative self-talk sounds like a single thought rattling in my mind. I’m not good enough I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. My work ethic is crap. I am lazy and so on. This is why I don’t always respond to praise and compliments because I do not believe them. However, I give compliments because I do not want anyone else to believe those thoughts in their own mind. Crazy huh? I know. And every so often there is a good day sprinkled in where I give myself so much hype and love. I think it is because that negative sentence is right around the corner.

I have also been told to believe what God says about me. However, it is hard for me to fully grasp that when I see so many unhappy women in my faith and to me that is the same as sending “thoughts and prayers.” Doesn’t actually help, ya know?

Also, with a very religiously zealous parent that adds a factor to being overwhelmed. I heard about the end times my whole life and now I am hearing it at an even more accelerated rate. Couple that will being told all the things you’re doing wrong, it does not really give me much hope.

I also tried to put myself out there with a man and that did not work. Rejections sucks. Simple as that. It compounds when you know you used to be perceived as the “ideal type.” I am older and not a size six anymore. Oh and I have only had situationships for the last five years, so it can start to seem like you are not good enough.

BUT what if I am good enough?

I have been making small changes to combat these emotions. Well maybe not combat them (I think suppressing them and locking them away to appear “okay” is how we got here. Lots of feelings with no place to go). I am allowing myself to feel them, but striving to move forward. I started a book about changing that internal dialogue (I can give you the title if you want). To start saying to myself, “I am willing” in whatever the task I have in front of me. Of course you want to answer yes to “Are you willing to be happy?”

I am being more thoughtful with my journaling by putting three things I am thankful for each week. I am praying more and reading 10 minutes before I sleep. Going to the gym has helped. I have been able to really challenge myself and I am seeing the benefits.  Lowkey, it’s a soft challenge. Actually, I am doing all of this while still feeling overwhelmed.

The feeling is decreasing. Still there. Still scared, a little fearful, but not hindering me any longer.

I think that is what matters. We can have these hard and unpleasant emotions, but we work through them.

It’s easier said than done and taking active steps can be very hard. But wallowing gets you no where. What’s worse than being sad, mad, scared, etc.?

Stuck.

And I refused to be a stuck person.

( I didn’t really know how to end this, but that’s it. Just remember even if it is not okay right now, it will be.)